You know the feeling. You leave a coaching session, workshop, or finish reading a self-help book completely energized. You have clarity, you have a plan, you have genuine enthusiasm for change. But then… life happens. The initial spark fades. You find yourself back in old patterns, wondering why you can’t just follow through.
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of coaching ambitious, intelligent people who desperately want to change but keep getting stuck:
The problem isn’t your lack of willpower, motivation, or discipline. The problem is that most advice skips over the most critical part of behavior change work—addressing the fear that’s driving your resistance.
Most productivity advice treats resistance like something to bulldoze through, or worse, as a personal failure. But your resistance isn’t the enemy—it’s trying to protect you. And you simply can’t motivate yourself out of a fear state. When your nervous system is prioritizing safety over growth, no amount of goal-setting, accountability, or “just do it” mentality will work.
This guide is different. Instead of fighting your resistance, we’re going to understand it, appreciate it, and then redirect that protective energy toward what you actually need. Because here’s the truth: sustainable motivation doesn’t come from forcing yourself through fear—it comes from building self-trust. And self-trust comes from consistently addressing your core needs while creating environmental conditions that support your success.
The framework you’re about to learn bridges the gap between productivity coaching and therapeutic insight. It’s designed to be actionable and accessible, whether you’re struggling to apply for jobs after a toxic workplace, procrastinating on a creative project, avoiding difficult conversations, or simply feeling stuck despite knowing exactly what you “should” be doing.
This isn’t about becoming fearless. It’s about learning to work with your protective parts in a way that honors their wisdom while moving you toward the life you actually want to live.
Your fear is greater than your desire to change (even when you desperately want something different).
You view success through a binary lens—all or nothing, perfect or failure.
But when you:
Understand what your resistance is protecting you from
Address your core needs consistently
Create environmental conditions that support success
Use your natural flow states strategically
Something shifts. That protective part starts to trust that you can take care of yourself. The fear becomes background noise instead of the loudest voice in the room.
This is how self-trust builds. And self-trust is the foundation of sustainable motivation. Here’s a four-step framework to help:
1⃣ Map Your Resistance Pattern
Instead of fighting your resistance, we’re going to understand it, appreciate it, and then redirect that protective energy toward what you actually need. First, we need to get curious about how resistance shows up for you; here some examples:
Physical: Tension, fatigue, restlessness
Mentally: “I’ll do it tomorrow,” “I need more research”
How to identify it: Start paying attention to your body when you think about the task you’ve been avoiding. Notice what happens in your shoulders, jaw, stomach. What thoughts immediately pop up? What do you find yourself doing instead?
What to do once you notice: Pause and get curious instead of frustrated. Ask yourself: “What is this resistance trying to tell me?” Don’t try to push through—just observe and appreciate that this part of you is working hard to protect you from something.
For example: Sarah had been avoiding asking for a promotion for 8 months. When she thought about scheduling the meeting, her stomach would get knots (physical), she’d think “I need more evidence of my worth” (mental), she’d create endless preparation documents (behavioral), and feel anxious mixed with resentment (emotional).
2⃣ Discover What’s Really at Stake
This is where we dig deep. When you think about moving forward with that thing you’ve been avoiding, what’s your resistance most afraid will happen? Then we ask: “And if that happened, what would that mean about me?” or “What does that represent to me?” “Why does that matter so much?” or “Why is that so important?” (Add in “How do I define that?” where you feel the pull.) Keep going until there’s nothing else you can come up. This answer is your core fear.
Your Turn
How to identify it: You’ll know you’ve hit the core fear when your body reacts—goosebumps, tightening in your chest, a shift in your breathing. It might also be the fear that makes you think “that’s ridiculous” or “who would worry about that?”—often our strongest reactions point to our deepest fears.
What to do once you notice: Write it down clearly: “What I’m really afraid of is…” Don’t try to talk yourself out of it or rationalize it away. This fear has been running the show subconsciously—bringing it into the light is the first step to working with it differently.
For example: Jessica has been putting off making a budget for years. Here’s how this line of questioning might help her get to her core fear: “What if I look at the numbers?” → “I might realize I’m financially irresponsible” → “What would that mean about me?” → “That I can’t handle adult life” → “Why does that matter?” → “Because it would mean I’m fundamentally incompetent and out of control.”
Please note: Because this work can get a little tricky when dialoguing with yourself (sometimes the questions need to be out of order or rephrased), I put together an analysis of the group coaching session we did yesterday during the Really Good Work Advice meetup that should really bring to life this work in action.
3⃣ Flip Fear Into Need
Once we identify the core fear, we transform into your core need as I’ve found it easier to work with a positive versus a negative. The goal here is to address and integrate your core need into your life so the part of you that’s afraid can start to trust that you’re taking care of it. (Remember, this is all an exercise in self-trust )
Your Turn
How to identify it: Take your core fear and ask “What’s the opposite of this?” But go deeper than just the inverse—ask “How would I feel in my body if I had this?” “What would this experience give me?” You want to land on something that feels nourishing and energizing, not just “not afraid.” Knowing your *Enneagram can also be helpful.
What to do once you notice: Write out your personal definition of what this need looks and feels like when it’s met. Then ask yourself: “How am I already meeting this need in my life?” and “What small actions could I take to experience this feeling more often?” The goal is to start addressing this need consistently, not just when you’re trying to overcome resistance.
For example: Jessica’s core fear of being incompetent flips to needing to feel capable and in control. When she feels capable, she experiences calm confidence, clear thinking, and a sense of groundedness. She already feels this when organizing her digital photos—methodical, satisfying, with a sense of accomplishment and control.
*Bonus: The Enneagram Connection
Your personality type can offer insights into common fear/need patterns. Don’t know your type? Read through these resistance patterns and see which 2-3 resonate most strongly. Pay attention to which ones make you think “How did you know?!” or give you that uncomfortable feeling of being seen. But also notice which ones you immediately reject or judge—these strong reactions often point to our shadow—the parts of ourselves we don’t want to see.
Type 1 (Perfectionist): Resistance often shows up as “it has to be perfect or I won’t start.” You avoid tasks where you might make mistakes or look sloppy. Core need: Integrity and goodness
Type 2 (Helper): Resistance appears as focusing on others’ needs instead of your own. You’ll organize everyone else’s life but can’t tackle your own goals. Core need: Connection and belonging
Type 3 (Achiever): Resistance looks like avoiding tasks that might expose “failure.” You’d rather not try than risk looking unsuccessful. Core need: Value and significance
Type 4 (Individualist): Resistance shows as waiting for the “right mood” or feeling. You need emotional alignment before you can act. Core need: Uniqueness and authenticity
Type 5 (Investigator): Resistance appears as endless research before acting. You always need “just a little more information.” Core need: Capability and competence
Type 6 (Loyalist): Resistance looks like seeking excessive reassurance or approval. You need to know it’s safe before you proceed. Core need: Security and support
Type 7 (Enthusiast): Resistance shows as getting distracted by more exciting options. You avoid anything that feels limiting or boring. Core need: Satisfaction and fulfillment
Type 8 (Challenger): Resistance appears as avoiding vulnerability or situations where they feel controlled. You resist anything that makes you feel weak. Core need: Autonomy and self-determination
Type 9 (Peacemaker): Resistance looks like avoiding conflict or decisions that might upset others. You procrastinate on anything that might rock the boat. Core need: Harmony and inner peace
If you struggled, ask yourself:
What if this actually describes me sometimes?
When have I acted this way, even if I don’t like admitting it?
“What would it mean about me if this were true?”
Often our strongest resistance to a particular type reveals that it hits too close to home. The type that makes you most uncomfortable might be worth exploring further. It’s important to remember that this is a starting point for self-reflection, not a rigid diagnosis. Your actual core fears and needs may be different, and that’s exactly what the downward arrow technique will help you discover. If you want to go deeper, there are formal Enneagram assessments available online, but your own self-reflection through this work is often more accurate than any test.
4⃣ Design Your Environment
Instead of relying on willpower, we engineer your environment to support the change you want to make. But here’s the key: we also make flow states a regular part of your life, not just a tool for motivation. A flow state is a mental state of deep engagement and focus in an activity, often referred to as being “in the zone.” It’s characterized by a feeling of effortless effort, complete absorption in the task at hand, and a sense of time passing quickly without notice.
Flow states are like oxygen—you need them consistently, not just when you’re stuck. Think of it like working out or brushing your teeth. That means it’s important to schedule flow activities into your week because they restore your energy, build self-trust, and keep you connected to who you are when you’re not forcing or efforting.
When your encounter resistance, you can use your flow state in two powerful ways:
Sandwiching: Create a flow state before your “dreaded task” to generate momentum, then reward yourself with more flow after.
Integration: Extract elements form your flow state (timing, setting, conditions), and build them into how you approach the avoided task.
Your Turn
How to identify it: Think about activities where you lose track of time completely—where you feel energized rather than drained, naturally skilled without trying hard, and fully present. Look to your childhood for clues: what did you love doing that made adults call you multiple times because you were so absorbed? In your current life, notice when you never procrastinate on something, when you feel most “in your element,” or what people compliment you on that feels easy to you.
What to do once you notice: Start by listing all the tasks you’ve been avoiding this week and then based on the elements you identified in your flow state, see where you can integrate them.
For example: Jessica’s flow state was organizing digital photos on Sunday mornings—methodical, satisfying, with a sense of control. So she scheduled her 20-minute money check-in every Sunday morning right after organizing photos, at her kitchen table with good coffee, focusing on just one account at a time. The flow state gave her the momentum and the environmental elements gave her the structure for success.
Progress Over Perfection (A Two Week Experiment)
If you’ve made it this far, you’ve already done something most people won’t: you’ve looked your resistance in the face with curiosity instead of judgment. That alone is a radical act in a culture that demands we push through, power through, and get over whatever’s in our way.
But here’s what I want you to remember as you begin implementing this work: progress is rarely linear, and that’s exactly as it should be.
You’re not going to suddenly transform into someone who never procrastinates, never feels resistance, or always follows through perfectly. That’s not the goal. The goal is to develop a different relationship with the parts of yourself that are trying to protect you—to build enough self-trust that you can handle whatever comes up without abandoning yourself in the process.
What Success Really Looks Like
As you practice this framework, watch for these subtle but significant shifts:
You catch yourself in resistance patterns faster and with less self-judgment
You course-correct more quickly when you get off track
You feel more present in your body and connected to your intuition
You speak to yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a good friend
You notice meaningful coincidences (synchronicity) that feel like confirmation you’re on the right path
These are the real markers of progress—not the absence of struggle, but a more skillful way of moving through it.
The Ripple Effect
When you stop fighting yourself and start working with your resistance, something profound happens. You free up enormous amounts of energy that were previously spent in internal conflict. You become more authentic in your relationships because you’re not performing a version of yourself that you think others want to see. You make decisions from a place of alignment rather than fear or obligation.
Most importantly, you become living proof—to yourself and others—that it’s possible to honor your protective parts while still moving toward what matters most to you.
Your Next Steps
The two-week experiment plan is your starting point, not your destination. Think of it as learning a new language—the language of your own inner world. The more you practice these conversations with yourself, the more fluent you’ll become in understanding what you actually need and how to give it to yourself.
Some days will be easier than others. Some insights will hit like lightning bolts; others will emerge slowly over time. Trust the process, trust your timing, and most of all, trust that the part of you that picked up this guide knows exactly what it’s doing.
WEEK ONE: Understanding Your Resistance
Progress Markers to Watch For:
– Faster recognition of resistance patterns
– Increased self-compassion when struggling
Clearer understanding of what you actually need
Day 1: Map Your Resistance Pattern
Morning Setup (10 minutes):
Choose ONE resistance that is either most present (actively weighing on you) or most costly (biggest disruption)
Write down: “The thing I want but consistently struggle to follow through on is…”
Daily Reflection Questions:
How did my resistance show up today?
Physically: (tension, fatigue, restlessness)
Mentally: (“I’ll do it tomorrow,” “I need more research”)
Ask: “Are there particular times, situations, or triggers that make my resistance more intense?”
Daily Reflection Questions:
When was my resistance strongest today? (time, place, people, circumstances)
What patterns am I starting to notice?
How did awareness of my triggers change my experience today?
Day 3: What’s Your Resistance Protecting You From?
Morning Setup (15 minutes):
Ask: “If my resistance could talk, what might it be trying to protect me from?”
Write: “My resistance might be protecting me from…”
Daily Reflection Questions:
What did I appreciate about my resistance today?
How has this protective part actually served me in the past?
Did I notice any shift in how I relate to my resistance?
Day 4: The True Cost
Morning Setup (10 minutes):
Honestly assess: “What is this resistance actually costing me?” (energy, relationships, growth, opportunities, peace of mind)
Daily Reflection Questions:
What did my resistance cost me today specifically?
What opportunities might I have missed?
How did acknowledging the cost feel in my body?
Day 5: Dig Into the Core Fear (Downward Arrow)
Morning Setup (20 minutes):
Start: “What is my resistance most afraid will happen if I move forward?”
Then ask: “And if that happened, what would that mean about me?”
Keep going: “What does that represent to me?” “Why does that matter so much?”
Continue until: You hit something that makes your body react (goosebumps, tightening, breath change)
Daily Reflection Questions:
Did my core fear feel true to me today?
Which of these resonated most with my deeper fear?
Fear of being corrupt/wrong/bad
Fear of being unworthy of love
Fear of being worthless
Fear of having no identity
Fear of being incompetent/incapable
Fear of being without support
Fear of being trapped in pain
Fear of being controlled/violated
Fear of loss and separation
Day 6: Flip Fear Into Need
Morning Setup (15 minutes):
Transform your core fear into your core need
Ask: “How will I know/feel when I have achieved this need?”
Write your personal definition of what this need looks and feels like when met
Daily Reflection Questions:
How did I already meet this core need today, even in small ways?
What actions could I take tomorrow to experience this feeling more often?
Does this definition feel true to me in my body?
Day 7: Weekly Integration
Morning Setup (20 minutes):
Create your compassionate reframe: “My resistance to _______ is actually trying to protect me from _______ because _______. I can appreciate how hard this part of me has been working to keep me safe.”
Brainstorm 5-10 specific actions you can take to address your core need more regularly
Weekly Reflection:
What surprised me most about my resistance this week?
How has my relationship with my resistance shifted?
What patterns do I see across the seven days?
Which core need resonates most strongly with me?
WEEK TWO: Building Momentum Through Flow
Progress Markers to Watch For:
– Quicker course correction when stuck
– More energy and enthusiasm for difficult tasks
– Feeling more “in your body” and present
– Increased trust in your ability to handle challenges
– Synchronicity – meaningful coincidences that feel like confirmation you’re on track
Day 8: Identify Your Flow State
Morning Setup (15 minutes):
Reflect on times when you felt truly alive and engaged:
Childhood: What made you lose track of time?
Current: What activities do you never procrastinate on?
Work: When do you feel most competent and confident?
Daily Reflection Questions:
When did I experience flow today, even briefly?
What conditions were present? (time, place, people, activity)
How did my energy feel different during these moments?
Day 9: Map Your Flow Environment
Morning Setup (15 minutes):
Get specific about your primary flow state:
What was the environment like?
What qualities were you expressing?
What did that experience give you?
How does this relate to your core needs?
Daily Reflection Questions:
What elements of my flow state can I integrate into my daily routine?
How can I create more conditions for flow in my current environment?
What’s currently standing in my way of experiencing flow more often?
Day 10: Environmental Design
Morning Setup (20 minutes):
Think of your avoided task from Week 1
Design your environment using these elements:
Timing: When is your energy naturally high?
Location: Where do you feel most capable?
Duration: What feels manageable? (Start smaller than you think)
Bundling: Pair with something you enjoy
Sandwiching: Flow before and/or after the dreaded task
Daily Reflection Questions:
How did environmental design change my experience with difficult tasks?
What elements worked best for me?
What adjustments do I want to make tomorrow?
Day 11: Practice Sandwiching
Morning Setup (10 minutes):
Choose a 10-15 minute flow activity
Schedule it right before your avoided task
Plan another flow reward after completion
Daily Reflection Questions:
How did the flow state create momentum for my dreaded task?
Did the reward system feel motivating?
What did I notice about my resistance when I had flow momentum?
Day 12: Integration Practice
Morning Setup (10 minutes):
Extract specific elements from your flow state (music, lighting, posture, timing, etc.)
Build these into how you approach your avoided task
Daily Reflection Questions:
Which flow elements transferred most effectively?
How did my avoided task feel different with these integrated elements?
What combinations want to explore further?
Day 13: Address Core Needs
Morning Setup (15 minutes):
Review your core need from Week 1
Plan 3 specific actions today that will address this need
Notice how addressing your core need affects your motivation
Daily Reflection Questions:
How did actively addressing my core need impact my energy?
Did I feel more or less resistance to difficult tasks?
What’s the connection between self-trust and motivation for me?
Day 14: Integration & Next Steps
Morning Setup (20 minutes):
Mark your calendar for the next 2 weeks with:
Regular flow state activities
Core need check-ins
Environmental design for challenging tasks
Final Weekly Reflection:
What’s my relationship with resistance now vs. 2 weeks ago?
How has integrating flow states affected my motivation?
What will I commit to continuing?
Daily Self-Reflection Practice (5 minutes each evening)
Rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 daily:
Self-Awareness: How objectively did I observe my resistance today?
Self-Compassion: How kindly did I speak to myself about my struggles?
Core Need Fulfillment: How well did I address my core need today?
Flow Integration: How much time did I spend in flow or flow-like states?
Environmental Design: How intentionally did I design my environment for success?
One-sentence summary: The most important thing I learned about myself today was…
A Final Thought
I’ve shared the messiness of my own journey throughout Really Good Work Advice because I want you to know that this work isn’t about becoming perfect—it’s about becoming more fully yourself. The same resistance patterns that once frustrated me beyond belief have become some of my most valuable teachers. They’ve shown me what I really need, what I truly value, and how to create a life that honors both my ambitions and my humanity.
Your resistance is trying to tell you something important. Are you ready to listen?
Remember: You’re not broken. You’re not behind. You’re exactly where you need to be to take the next right step.
The question isn’t whether you’ll face resistance again—you will. The question is: how will you greet it when it arrives?
I’m in your corner – always.
x Claire
PS Stay tuned for an announcement coming soon
x Claire
I help women embrace their worth and activate their potential. Book a 1:1 call with me here.
Your Turn
)
Core need: Integrity and goodness
