There are myriad things we do that leave us feeling stressed out about our finances, and it’s only once we know the psychology behind why we do what we do that we can start to change our behaviors. In other words, therapy can improve your financial state — but how?
Matt Lundquist, a Columbia University-trained psychotherapist and founder of Tribeca Therapy sat down with HerMoney CEO Jean Chatzky to talk about how therapy can improve your financial state. They dig into the root of our money issues and walk us through the steps we can take to improve our relationships with money once and for all. Here are some of our favorite parts of the conversation.
How Our Childhood Plays Into How We Think About Money
Jean Chatzky: How does financial therapy work? And how can therapy improve your financial state?
Matt Lundquist: [Financial therapy] works [the same way] therapy for most other issues works, which is, we have to do some exploring to understand what else is bound up in an individual’s relationship with money. Money can be symbolic. I think about the experience of individuals who grew up without a lot of money, and then in adult life, have been very successful and are navigating an experience in their early formative years, living with scarcity or seeing the model in a parent or parents.
Those things become a part of us and we carry them with us. And often people think, “Well, money was a big issue in my house, so I’m going to be really successful so that I don’t have that problem.” And that can certainly work for some people, but even when we solve a material problem, often the emotionality of a different moment early on follows us and sometimes not so consciously impacts how we operate as adults.
Understanding If You Have An Unhealthy Relationship With Money
Jean Chatzky: Sometimes it’s hard to recognize when you’re income-strapped or when you have an unhealthy relationship with money. What are the signs?
Matt Lundquist: [One of the signs is] having a sense of finding oneself regularly when you get a credit card statement [and] saying, “Huh, that’s so strange. I feel like I should have more money than I have.” That’s a very common one. When we notice that there are areas where our idea of what’s happening based on our own self-tracking isn’t aligned when the actual concrete data, [that’s a good sign we have an unhealthy relationship with money].
The concrete markers aren’t always going to tell you the full story, but let them at least invite you to slow down and say, “I need to take a closer look at this.” And then, if it’s scary, invite a friend or your partner to look through your credit card statement with you. Use those reminders in the form of bumping up against reality to prompt you to do some looking.
Tackling Money Issues As A Couple
Jean Chatzky: The studies that scare me the most are the ones that point to the fact that the more often you disagree per week or per month about money, the more likely you are to divorce. It’s one of the things that drives people apart. So how do you successfully mesh your financial style with a partner’s?
Matt Lundquist: Money is one of those things in relationships where there’s this idea that we’re just supposed to know what we’re doing. We’re just supposed to be good at it. And the early part of courtship is an area where there are a lot of assumptions around [money]. When people are on their way to getting married or newly married, it can feel unromantic, but early on before there are too many of those difficult money conversations when perhaps things [are] a little bit simpler financially and otherwise, those are the best of times to move towards the problem.
Move towards it by way of saying, “Hmm, I wonder if we should use this opportunity to slow down and really talk through how we want to handle this, because probably the stakes are going to get bigger as time goes on.” A lot of the trouble that couples get into is they’ve avoided. Letting things go is an important life skill, but there’s also value in saying, let’s actually invite giving this some attention.
Bottom Line: How Therapy Can Improve Your Financial State
Jean Chatzky: How do we know if we need financial therapy? And if we do need it, where do we find someone to help us?
Matt Lundquist: You need it when you’ve done the work to seek out good advice and good counsel from money experts, and you’ve found yourself not able to consistently follow through with what it is they’re recommending or when you recognize that there’s a lot bound up in [money] emotionally that is interfering with your ability to make good decisions.
[Do the work to] find a therapist who talks very fluently about [money]. Call around and say, “I’m recognizing that there’s some emotional stuff mixed in with my financial life. Are you good at helping people with money? Is that something that you’re skilled at and confident in?” Ask the same tough questions as you would in finding somebody to provide any service for you. I think people should be picky.
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